Handling Anxiety When it Creeps into Your Jiu Jitsu

I’m not generally an anxious person. I don’t get panicked easily, and I don’t usually get very afraid. I like risks. I like crazy. I like doing hard things. I’m strong. Capable. 

I’m struggling with anxiety and panic attacks in Jiu Jitsu. I’ve kept it to myself for months. Months. Because what the heck kind of purple belt all of a sudden gets panic attacks?!?! 

I finally told my coach about it, and I felt completely dumb doing so. Like, completely and utterly defeated. Heck, I couldn’t even tell him to his face. I told him in a text. He told me that I wasn’t alone. That it’s not the end of the world. That I can keep growing.

Last night, I talked with a black belt who had a similar struggle. I still felt dumb, but less so. He processed with me, encouraged me, and then drilled patiently with me. And then I talked with the other black belts, because I have zero game face and legit can’t keep my emotions from screaming all over my face. And of course, because they all care, they wanted to know what’s up and process with me too. 

Here’s the deal. I feel shame that this is an issue for me. Why? No clue. Probably some cultural pressure to be strong and perfect. But I’m not. Shocker. What I do know is that bringing things like this out in the open gives them less of a hold. So despite the fact that I’ve held this close to my chest the past few months like some deep, dark secret, and then progressed to only wanting to tell one or two people, I’m sharing here with everyone and anyone who reads my ramblings. Everyone.

I AM strong. I CAN work through things. I WILL wrestle through this, and I WILL be stronger. Someday, I’ll have a story of victory over yet another hard thing. Today might not yet be that day. That’s okay. Today WON’T be the day that I let fear or shame or feeling dumb about my feelings win. As much as I don’t want to share all this, I am. Maybe someone else is holding similar anxieties on the mat. Maybe someone else will realize they can ask for help, too. But, maybe I’ll just feel better getting it out in the open and off my chest.