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I’m Not JUST Anything

September 6, 2021Jessica Locke

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My name is Jessica, and despite ample protesting, I somehow found a love for Jiu Jitsu. Couple that love with my love for writing and processing through writing, and this site was born. Enjoy!

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This is one of my favorite athletic pictures of my

This is one of my favorite athletic pictures of myself. This picture represents an image of my body that I dreamed about my entire life. In many ways, I was so strong. I podiumed in this race, and I built some solid strength, endurance, and killer perseverance. I LOVED how my body LOOKED and what it could do.

BUT…I know the full story behind my favorite “look.” I was overtrained. By a lot. I didn’t get enough sleep, and was drained with low energy most days. I also didn’t fuel my body well. As a result, I was injured-ALL the time. The physical look came at a huge cost.

As I plan and begin training for the competitions that I have for myself in the next year (Jiu Jitsu, an off-road triathlon, and a Spartan race), plus just the daily Jiu Jitsu that gives me life and joy, I can’t help but think of how I want my body to look, too. My constant reminder to myself is that doing the things I love, sleeping well, fueling correctly, and not overtraining will yield the strongest, healthiest version of myself, and the side benefit of those things is very often the body “look” that I want.

So basically, I need discipline. Discipline to do enough. Discipline to not overdo it. Discipline to do the things I set out to do. Discipline to not quit, even when it’s hard.

I may or may not ever have this same body again, and that’s ok. But I do want to be strong and healthy-and that’s completely achievable, regardless of how my body looks. (But I really do want this look 😝)

#jiujitsu #bjj #purplebelt #spartan #renonv #healthy #growthmindset #injuryrecovery #learning #spartan #spartansgx #bodyimage #strong #strongwomen #strongmoms #renonv #northernnevada #discipline #triathlong #offroadtri #swimming #mountainbiking #running

It’s been a year since I first developed anxiety

It’s been a year since I first developed anxiety in Jiu Jitsu. The battle against anxiety was promptly followed up by a major neck injury that kept me on the sidelines (and still recovering).

It would be easy to write this year off as terrible. Easy. Most people end the year by saying something along the lines of how terrible their year was anyway, I could easily fall in line. But it’s not true.

This was easily one of the best years in Jiu Jitsu. I grew. A lot. I learned. A lot. I cried. A lot. (Did you know I hate crying? Ugh.) I fought with my own head-a lot. I had killer friends, mentors, and coaches guiding, helping, and pushing me along. A lot.

Looking back, I wouldn’t trade this year for anything. Anxiety and my neck injury totally sucked, and yet, they provided growth that I don’t believe would’ve come from anything else. The growth was worth the pain and the struggle. The struggle breathed life into my mindset and my Jiu Jitsu. Weird, right?

We always have a choice in how we view our experiences. I can view this tough year as negative and terrible, but I can also view it as helpful and impactful. Either way, the choice is mine. I am choosing the latter.

This was a great year on the mats. My mental growth and mindset are better than they’ve ever been, and I love Jiu Jitsu more than I did before this year. How can I argue that those two events made my year anything other than incredible?
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#bjj #jiujitsu #girlsingis #purplebelt #momentum #sbg #purplebelt #firststripe #mentalgrowth #mindset #setbacks #growth #anxiety #pain #injury #recovery #renonv #reno

“I can’t’s” are easy. They make it easy to

“I can’t’s” are easy. They make it easy to dismiss the task at hand. Easy to quit. Easy to move on and forget about it. Easy to do and complete.

But. “I can’t’s” inhibit growth. They divert your attention. They help you feel good about your decision to not push forward and figure it out. They keep you right where you are. No growth.

Sometimes “I can’t’s” just need to be eradicated from our language and choices. Other times they just need rewiring. Tonight was a rewiring night.

I was drilling before Jiu Jitsu tonight with a friend, and working a spot that was challenging. My arm is still not 100%, but I haven’t really pushed to find a current limit. Tonight, drilling the same thing over and over, I met that limit. My partner told me my left arm had stopped framing. Well, I COULDN’T frame. It was maxed out. I WAS framing as best I could, it just wasn’t doing anything, more so just resting on his body. It had nothing left.

I was a point at which I could’ve easily said, “I can’t,” and frankly, it would’ve been true. But instead, I took my other hand, pinned it over the top of my left hand to help support and make a frame (albeit a weak one), and kept working. Instead of quitting and moving on and blaming my arm, I found a way to modify. That provided the reps I needed and growth that I would’ve otherwise missed out on.

“I can’t’s” are lame. They never lead to growth, never to lead to figuring things out, and never lead to opening new doors for exploration. They’re just easy, and that makes them appealing.

My arm was weak and angry for about 20 minutes, and then got back to baseline. Pushing it was good, and it was needed. Tonight, easy didn’t win. Hard did. And that’s a great ending to a Monday.

#bjj #jiujitsu #mma #growthmindset #icant #injuryrecovery #modify #renonv #learning #growth #Testyourlimits #monday

Winning is cool and all, but have you ever tried l

Winning is cool and all, but have you ever tried losing?
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It was some years ago that I lost my first match ever. I had won every fight I had done up until that point in time (in Muay Thai and Jiu Jitsu both), and I was confident that this amateur match would amount to me winning yet another.
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Then I lost.
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Two weeks later, when the emotional rollercoaster came to a halt, I settled into growth. Which mistakes landed me in hot water? How can I fix them? What areas of my striking could I clean up? How can I better my timing and execution? I worked. I worked hard. I’m not sure there was another point in all my training in which I grew as much in a short period of time as I did after that loss.
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Losing sucks. It totally does. Everyone wants to win. Winning offers the quickest feedback for feelings of success. But it’s not the only way to claim success. Success can look many different ways, in many different situations.
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Sometimes success comes from doing something you thought you’d be too scared to do. Sometimes it comes from a small victory, like not getting taken down in Jiu Jitsu. Sometimes it looks like growth in the aftermath. And sometimes, yes, it simply looks like winning.
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So the next time you decide to try something a little scary or outside your comfort zone, give it your all and do your absolute best. But…remember to keep a healthy view of “success” in mind, because win or lose, your mindset will dictate how much you grow in the aftermath of it all.
#bjj #jiujitsu #mma #muaythai #kickboxing #compete #growth #growthmindset #renonv #losing #mindset #success

You have permission to get frustrated. You have pe

You have permission to get frustrated.
You have permission to feel defeated.
You have permission to put your body and health first.
You have permission to feel behind and disappointed.
But.
You also have permission to keep going.
You have permission to wipe tears.
You have permission to ask questions and get advice.
You have permission to make hard decisions now, or choose to wait until you understand the situation better.
But also.
You don’t have permission to quit.
You don’t have permission to give up.
You don’t have permission to allow your frustrations to dictate your reality.
You don’t have permission to give in to emotional decisions.
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Jiu Jitsu is hard. Injuries are hard. Knowing when you can compete is hard. It’s all just…hard. That’s okay. I can do hard. I might cry first, but I can definitely do hard.
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#bjj #jiujitsu #mentalgrowth #mindset #competition #injuriessuck #girlsingis #justkeepswimming #frustrations #sbg #purplebelt #renonv #momentummartialarts

So you have an injury? Good. -Jocko (basically, bu

So you have an injury? Good. -Jocko (basically, but probably)

There’s no way around it-injuries suck. And if you are someone who has a sport they love to do, like Jiu Jitsu, then they can really, really suck. You can wallow in self pity and cry and complain, and you know what, I think those things are completely fine to do and easy to justify doing…for a minute. Then, you’ve gotta knock that crap off, change your mindset, and get to work.
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Can’t use your left arm in certain positions? Let that movement go. Did you end up in side control? Good. Now work out without using your arm. You’ll be better at side control escapes.
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Not able to maintain turtle back when someone starts rolling, threatening weight on your head and neck? Don’t post, abandon your position. Are you mounted now? Good. Get out. You’ll be better at mount escapes.
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Not sure how to finish that kimura when you’ve lost your grip and arm strength? Good. Find another sub or figure out another way. You’ll be more lethal once you do.
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Would you normally roll with anyone and everyone? Are you thinking that maybe that’s not the best idea to keep you safe as you recover? Good. Practice telling yourself (and others) “no”. Practice setting and keeping boundaries. Practice honoring your body and where it’s at. You’ll be better at protecting yourself in the future.
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We can let our injuries win. That’s easy. It’s letting our injuries teach us and help us grow that’s painful and uncomfortable. Each injury has its own bright side, but you have to be open to it.
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I’m currently spending a lot of time tapping and rolling straight into bad positions in favor of protecting my neck and arm. Whatever-I’m embracing the suck. Growth isn’t comfortable anyway.
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#bjj #jiujitsu #mma #injuries #recovery #mindset #growthmindset #jockowillink #jocko #good #embracethesuck #process #rollingthroughinjury #boundaries #settingboundaries #protectingyourself #neckinjury #herniateddisc #embracethesuck

Laying, stretching out my neck and letting my arm

Laying, stretching out my neck and letting my arm rest (because it doesn’t want to function anyway) and having a brain war about whether I should cry in frustration vs. reminding myself that it’s part of the healing process.
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I haven’t cried yet. Doesn’t mean I won’t. And if I do, it’s not the end of the world. But, I am actively trying to win a game in my head that my body really, really seems keen to lose.
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I did almost the entire class this morning. I picked four people I knew I could safely roll and rolled after class. My body is unsure what in the heck I’m doing. My arm is thinking I’ve been pumping iron for 10 hours and doesn’t want to function. My neck is sore, but good sore. It doesn’t change the fact that it hurts.
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Jiu Jitsu is hard. Life is hard. Injuries suck and are apart if it all. Might as well learn how to fight my own body and head-it won’t be the last time I need to.
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#bjj #jiujitsu #mma #girlsingis #renonv #injury #injuryrecovery #healing #mentalgrowth #headgames #herniateddisc #pinchednerve

When I experience negative things in life, I like

When I experience negative things in life, I like to think that I now have one more experience with which I can understand someone else. When I started experiencing anxiety in Jiu Jitsu, I figured that once I overcame it, or at the very least learned how to operate with it, I would be an even better coach as I had a new perspective.
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It doesn’t take a lot of guess work to assume that a pinched nerve is quite terrible. How terrible, though, I never understood until it happened to me. Although I’m in pain much of the time, the lack of ability to sleep is what is really affecting me the most. Today marks three weeks of only 3-4 hours of scattered sleep each night.
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The thing that’s been most noticeable for me is how sleep is affecting my ability to show compassion, care, and interest in other people the way I normally would. I will get home and realize I didn’t even tell someone “goodbye.” Or I’ll forget to tell someone that I hope they have a good trip. Or I’ll forget that someone had been sick and neglect to ask how they’re feeling. I remember only after I leave and begin to settle my body at home. It makes me feel terrible. That’s not the kind of friend, acquaintance, coach, or human I want to be.
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I’m sending lots of “after the fact” texts, and giving myself grace. Mainly, I’m viewing it as a point for grace and compassion for others. How many times has someone not said goodbye to me when they normally do and I felt hurt or offended? How many times has someone not asked how I was feeling when they knew I had been terribly sick? Instead of viewing those things as an offense, what if I considered that I have no idea the things THEY may be going through? What if they haven’t slept in weeks? What if they’re barely holding on to their sanity and trying to keep things together? Do I have grace for that? Am I okay with letting hurt go in exchange for compassion for them?
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The past three days have been a struggle. It’s definitely wearing, though I know I am getting better each day. I will get better, and I now have a new perspective.
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#growthmindset #mma #bjj #jiujitsu #injury #rest #pinchednerve #compassion #grace #renonv #homeschoolmom #momoffour #girlsingis

“John Leach uses the term “active-passiveness,

“John Leach uses the term “active-passiveness,” meaning, ‘the ability to accept the situation one is in but without giving in to it…’” -From Deep Survival

Halfway through reading Deep Survival, a book recommended to me by my friend, Tom, I mysteriously injured my neck. At first it just felt “out,” but it quickly progressed to 24/7 pain running down my arm and back, less than 3 hours of sleep each night, and no ability to do any of the things I love. Chiro said, “herniated disc.” My doc agreed. I headed to my physical therapist for more info. After 20 minutes of testing, he determined it was not herniated, but I definitely did something to C4-C5 and had a pinched nerve. He made a plan, and started treating me.
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It’s been two weeks. I’ve slept, on average 4 hours (accumulative) each night. I’m in pain 24/7, though it IS getting a little better.
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In the beginning, I would just sob trying to stand up in the morning. By day four, I found the frustration starting to set in. I was ready to cry from frustration, and then I stopped myself-I decided I could cry from pain but not my situation. My situation sucked, but that suckage doesn’t get to control me in any way. “The ability to accept the situation one is in but without giving in to it.” I wasn’t giving in.
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So I set goals. Get up and move around when I wake up at 2:00AM in pain. Grab a heat or ice pack. Watch videos-BJJ, the Johnny Depp trial, other nonsense. Try to get myself comfortable enough to get one more hour of sleep. Then, get up, grab coffee, begin writing for all my clients or work on other projects. The kicker is that I do it with a good attitude. Not out of frustration, but simply, “it is what it is and it won’t be forever.”
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I’m using active-passiveness to accept where I’m at and how I’m feeling, while simultaneously not giving in to it. Rather, I’m using the time awake to be productive. I’m going on walks with my family, learning to coach while injured, and keeping a good attitude. I will get better…just maybe not on my preferred timeline.
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#bjj #jiujitsu #mma #mindset #deepsurvival #greatoutdoors #training #physicaltherapy #healing #workingthoughpain #lookatthebrightside #positivemindset

It never fails. The second you feel like you’ve

It never fails. The second you feel like you’ve got it together (insert anything you want in place of “it”), you get slapped in the face with reality. Life reminds you that you certainly DO NOT have it together.
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I suppose it’s just life cycles. Marriage, parenting, jobs, friends, sports. There’s never a point at which you “arrive” at all the knowledge and understanding you need for something, and if you think you have it all figured out, you’re wrong.
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Yesterday I was going to sit down and write about how amazingly successful my journey to overcome my anxiety in side control in jiu jitsu has been (check a few posts back for reference). It’s a good thing I didn’t because today I had a major panic attack. The irony is not lost on me.
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I was feeling awfully high and mighty and accomplished in my progress of not having panic attacks anymore. I was disillusioned and viewed my progress as a destination and an end to my problem, rather than a step on a journey that likely will take more time to wrestle through. How quickly ego can sneak back in to some of the most interesting places in our journey!
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It’s okay, and I’m okay. I was with a safe partner who allowed me space to settle down when I lost it and talk and move through where I was struggling. I was able to process after with another partner who has been encouraging and supporting me through this whole ordeal the past couple months. It’s okay, and I’m okay. I will grapple (figuratively and literally) with this issue head-on and continue to work at it until it continues to become a smaller and smaller issue in my game.
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Side note: You know, for a sport that’s supposed to make you tougher, it certainly makes me cry more than anything I’ve done in my whole life.
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#bjj #jiujitsu #purplebelt #enjoythejourney #process #anxiety #panicattack #renonv #momlife #homeschoolmom #momoffour #growthmindset #egoisnotyouramigo

I watched as she left her group and stood facing h

I watched as she left her group and stood facing her back to them. Arms crossed, and unresponsive to her name, she was clearly upset. Being 10 is hard work. Working among other 8-10’s can sometime exacerbate that difficulty.
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“I didn’t like that my partners corrected my grip. They’re younger than me and a lower belt than me.”
“Hmm…that’s an interesting problem to have, isn’t it?”
“It’s just embarrassing. I know more than they do.”
“Did you know that Coach Darien is younger than me?”
“Really?”
“Did you know that I learn from lower belts, often?”
“You do?!”
“I actually have a rule, do you want to know it?”
“Sure.”
“‘I can learn something from everyone,’ that’s my rule.”
“I kinda like that idea.”
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By this time, the tears were wiped, she was surprised and accepting of a new way of thinking, and she was ready to jump back in with her partners.
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You can learn something from everyone, if you are open to it. You can learn something from everyone, if you keep your eyes and ears open. You can learn something from everyone if you keep your ego out of the way. Growth can happen anywhere and everywhere, but only if you are intentional about it.
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#bjj #mma #jiujitsu #growthmindset #growth #learnfromeveryone #acceptcorrection #martialarts #coaching #renonv

“The word ‘should’ always invites the questi

“The word ‘should’ always invites the question ‘according to whom?’” -Gavin deBecker
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“I should be better than I am.” “According to whom?”
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“You should have this style of Jiu Jitsu.” “According to whom?”
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“You should be working on such and such.” “According to whom?”
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“You should be such-and-such belt.” “According to whom?”
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“You should roll with so-and-so.” “According to whom?”
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Maybe it’s according to your coach. Listen. Maybe it’s according to yourself. Temper it and gain perspective. Maybe it’s according to a different teammate or person on the mat. Weigh it, consider it, or let it go.
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Be careful who gets to speak the “shoulds” in your life. Not everyone is entitled to have that say in every area.
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Want to mess with your head? Listen to everyone’s “shoulds” as though they are facts.
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“According to whom?” …easily my new favorite filter.
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#growth #growthmindset #bjj #Jiujitsu #purplebelt #girlsingis #filter #renonv #sbg #momentummartialarts #reno #strongwomen

Most people are easily able to find their excuses.

Most people are easily able to find their excuses. You know, the ones that help write off why something-some move, technique, or concept doesn’t or won’t work for them. Unless you find a way to move past those excuses, you’ll never find your true potential for using something.
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I tend to process my brain on the outside, not in. I think that’s partly why I’ve always loved writing. Sometimes my “on the fly” processing in Jiu Jitsu comes out as “this doesn’t work” (let’s be honest, this happens A LOT of the time; my apologies to my coaches). In my head I KNOW it will work when I figure it out, but also, it just doesn’t work RIGHT NOW.
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My biggest excuse when I first started training (as the only girl and MUCH smaller than everyone else) was that “this won’t work because I’m small.” I used those words to write off a lack of necessary effort towards certain things. The excuse was always easier than the work.
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Over time, being smaller became less of an excuse and more of a “how does this work for me?” perspective. It became a lens with which I approached certain things, noting that maybe small adjustments would have to be made when using it with people much taller or heavier than me. It changed how I asked questions of my coach-bypassing the idea that it doesn’t work and assuming that I just need some small adjustments to make it work. That approach resulted in learning things that I otherwise would have missed. It meant I learned things that some would assume smaller people can’t use, and it meant that I became more sensitive and aware to others trying to use the same excuse to write off the same lack of effort I once grasped to.
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My smallness makes me see things differently than those who are bigger. My smallness makes my game what it is, and helps me shape how I personally do Jiu Jitsu. My smallness should be embraced.
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Excuses kill potential. If you find an excuse, what is it keeping you from? Because you can, with almost certainty, guarantee that it’s keeping you from something.
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#bjj #jiujitsu #smallgirl #purplebelt #excuses #potential #growthmindset #coaching #girlsingis #dohardthings #training #sbg

Last night was an important night. Physically, I f

Last night was an important night. Physically, I felt “meh” all day. Sore, tired, bloated from eating food I don’t normally eat, and just generally “off”. But all weekend I had plans for last night. I had particular things in mind I wanted to do and work on, and I was tired of letting my body dictate whether or not I could do things when I wanted to. So I just did it anyway.
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Yesterday showed how important having a community of women around you is to your growth. A community of women that want to grow alongside you and help you grow too, free of ego, is priceless.
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Samantha is bigger than me and can crush the life out of me (because #pressure). I NEEDED her to put me in a particular, bad position that I keep finding myself stuck in. I NEEDED to work out of it. I tapped. A lot. And then I got out. If I can learn to do it when I feel like crap, then I can certainly do it when I’m feeling normal.
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Olga has a tournament coming up, and I have a few this year. We had some fun but competitive rolls. We rolled until we tapped to tiredness and out of control hair issues.
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Here’s the deal. My friends didn’t need to know I felt “meh,” and I didn’t feel the need to tell them. Their response, interactions, and efforts are ego-free and encouraging, regardless of how I show up that day. I would have missed out on learning last night, however, if I let my body win or created excuses for myself.
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Excuses stop growth. Excuses build barriers between friends and partners. Excuses snowball to create more excuses. Work hard. Even on days when “hard” looks or feels a little different. Find your tribe of women who support and encourage you. They’re important to your growth. 💜
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#bjj #jiujitsu #girlsingigs #mma #growth #growthmindset #womensupportingwomen #egofree #tribe #sbg #community

Today I didn’t quit. I didn’t give up. I didn’t walk away.
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I did things that challenged me. I failed at things. I succeeded at others.
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I chose joy in the midst of struggle. Embraced discomfort in the middle of suckage.
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Failure doesn’t have to equal giving up. Sometimes it equals growth, but only if you let it.
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I’d rather fail a hundred times and be a hundred lessons better than stay in my comfort zone. There’s no growth there.
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Discomfort sucks, and growth is hard. No doubt about it. But, when I FEEL like stopping, quitting, or letting my emotions get the best of me, I hope to always pick growth.
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#bjj #jiujitsu #girlsingis #womensjits #strongwomen #growthmindset #growth #challengeyourself #renonv #momentummartialarts #sbg

I’m not generally an anxious person. I don’t g

I’m not generally an anxious person. I don’t get panicked easily, and I don’t usually get very afraid. I like risks. I like crazy. I like doing hard things. I’m strong. Capable.
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I’m struggling with anxiety and panic attacks in Jiu Jitsu. I’ve kept it to myself for months. Months. Because what the heck kind of purple belt all of a sudden gets panic attacks?!?!
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I finally told my coach about it, and I felt completely dumb doing so. Like, completely and utterly defeated. Heck, I couldn’t even tell him to his face. I told him in a text. He told me that I wasn’t alone. That it’s not the end of the world. That I can keep growing.
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Last night, I talked with a black belt who had a similar struggle. I still felt dumb, but less so. He processed with me, encouraged me, and then drilled patiently with me. And then I talked with the other black belts, because I have zero game face and legit can’t keep my emotions from screaming all over my face. And of course, because they all care, they wanted to know what’s up and process with me too.
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Here’s the deal. I feel shame that this is an issue for me. Why? No clue. Probably some cultural pressure to be strong and perfect. But I’m not. Shocker. What I do know is that bringing things like this out in the open gives them less of a hold. So despite the fact that I’ve held this close to my chest the past few months like some deep, dark secret, and then progressed to only wanting to tell one or two people, I’m sharing here with everyone and anyone who reads my ramblings. Everyone.
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I AM strong. I CAN work through things. I WILL wrestle through this, and I WILL be stronger. Someday, I’ll have a story of victory over yet another hard thing. Today might not yet be that day. That’s okay. Today WON’T be the day that I let fear or shame or feeling dumb about my feelings win. As much as I don’t want to share all this, I am. Maybe someone else is holding similar anxieties on the mat. Maybe someone else will realize they can ask for help, too. But, maybe I’ll just feel better getting it out in the open and off my chest.
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#bjj #jiujitsu #girlsingis #renonv #momentummartialarts #strongwomen #growthmindset #growth #sbg

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Jitsu Jitsu is for everybody. Big, Small, Male, Female. Just so happens I’m a female…and on the smaller side. You don’t have to be either of those to be here…you just have to love Jiu Jitsu.

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