Show Up Anyway
My freshman year of soccer, I saved a goal with a header, but took the opposing team’s header to the face in the second following. I got knocked out and woke up on the ground with my eye already swelling shut. Within 5 minutes, my eye was shut, swollen, and nasty. Fortunately, we didn’t have phone cameras in 2000.
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In the days following, the swelling went away. In the weeks following, the whites of my eyes started to reappear as the broken blood vessels diminished, the chipped bone on my eyebrow started to reduce in pain, and I discovered I had broken my nose, too, but just didn’t know it at the time. During the months following, the shaking in my vision started. Rooms would move and shake and I’d close my eyes tightly to regain normal vision. I kept it to myself for quite some time before finally telling my parents.
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On the last day of conditioning week my Sophomore year, when our physicals were due, the pediatric neurologist, after reading my EEG, refused to clear me. I. Was. Devastated. The Varsity coach took me on as team manager, and said if I got cleared at some point, I could play.
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At 16, I wasn’t sure how to process all of this. I was angry, frustrated, fearful, and didn’t know how to articulate the process I was wrestling through. I showed up to every practice as team manager. When the team would go on long runs, a coach would often stay back with me a let me play and shoot goals. I did what I was allowed to do, and what I was able to do, and the emotions, well, I stuffed those really well.
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Near the end of the season, I was cleared to play. The first game back? That same team I got injured against. Ironic. The first ball to come my way? A ball straight for my head. I ducked. My first play on Varsity as a sophomore was me ducking from a ball. Cool. What a memory. Talk about hard. I couldn’t (or didn’t) tell anyone my heart was racing with fear. No one knew how hard it was emotionally and mentally for me, because I certainly wasn’t about to tell anyone. But, I did it anyway.
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Fast forward…This neck injury has been the first time I’ve ever allowed myself to process with others. To share where I’m struggling. To admit I am not 100%, I’m not 16 anymore, to modify things, and to advocate for myself. The hardest part was not even my initial time back, it has been as I’ve been “almost” 100%, but obviously not, and remembering to make decisions and manage expectations accordingly. THAT’S hard.
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Looking back, I can see how my coaches were the foundation for “show up how you can.” Can’t get cleared? Be the manager. Not allowed to run? Stay back and shoot goals. While I didn’t realize it then, they laid the framework for me showing up no matter what. It’s not always going to look the same. That’s okay. Show up anyway.
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Today, I’m thankful for friends, coaches, and teammates who have allowed me to process and grow through the process of injury. Injuries suck. There’s no doubt about it. But that’s life. Show up. Process with someone who cares about you. Move forward.
