I DO NOT Have It Together

It never fails. The second you feel like you’ve got it together (insert anything you want in place of “it”), you get slapped in the face with reality. Life reminds you that you certainly DO NOT have it together.

I suppose it’s just life cycles. Marriage, parenting, jobs, friends, sports. There’s never a point at which you “arrive” at all the knowledge and understanding you need for something, and if you think you have it all figured out, you’re wrong. 

Yesterday I was going to sit down and write about how amazingly successful my journey to overcome my anxiety in side control in jiu jitsu has been (check a few posts back for reference). It’s a good thing I didn’t because today I had a major panic attack. The irony is not lost on me.

I was feeling awfully high and mighty and accomplished in my progress of not having panic attacks anymore. I was disillusioned and viewed my progress as a destination and an end to my problem, rather than a step on a journey that likely will take more time to wrestle through. How quickly ego can sneak back in to some of the most interesting places in our journey!

It’s okay, and I’m okay. I was with a safe partner who allowed me space to settle down when I lost it and talk and move through where I was struggling. I was able to process after with another partner who has been encouraging and supporting me through this whole ordeal the past couple months. It’s okay, and I’m okay. I will grapple (figuratively and literally) with this issue head-on and continue to work at it until it continues to become a smaller and smaller issue in my game. 

Side note: You know, for a sport that’s supposed to make you tougher, it certainly makes me cry more than anything I’ve done in my whole life.